Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCL

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I hate feeling guilty. I hate it so much that I've been searching for ways to avoid it. Feelings of guilt cause me to feel uncomfortable, so I've decided to do everything I can to keep from having those feelings, and I've made some interesting discoveries in the process. For example, do you know what causes a person to feel guilty? It's guilt. Usually, a person will FEEL guilty because he IS guilty. I've come up with two ways of avoiding feelings of guilt, and that's what I want to discuss with you now. As an example, we'll pretend that we're having these feelings because we see someone who is hurting and in desperate need of assistance from someone, and we feel bad because we know we should be doing something, but, for whatever reason, we're not doing it...hence, feelings of guilt.

Sometimes guilty people LOOK guilty. Barney Fife could always tell if someone was guilty by their eyes. Either they had "beady" eyes, or they had "shifty" eyes. Defense attorneys have figured that out as well, so when they bring their client into court, they will give him a good shave and haircut, and put him in a really nice fitting suit and tie so that it will make him appear to be an exemplary citizen. But judges are aware of this also, and they are trained to look beyond appearance and social status and only focus on the letter of the law and how it applies when weighed against the facts of the case. Therefore, he or she can pronounce judgment and go home that night with the satisfaction of a job well done, knowing that justice was served based on solid facts, and the ones on trial were getting their just reward. With that in mind, I can now relay to you the first way to avoid feeling guilty when we don't help someone who is in need.

Point 1 on how to avoid feeling guilty for not helping a person in need: Become that person's judge. All you have to do is look at a person who is struggling and then look back at his life, making note of all the mistakes he has made in the past. You'll be amazed at how easy it is to justify your lack of action when you can make the determination that he is getting exactly what he deserves. I can even give you some lines to use as you pronounce his sentence: How about this one? "Well, he had it coming. It serves him right." Here's a good one: "He made his bed, now he can lie in it." The best one is: "Well, now maybe he'll think twice before he pulls that kind of stunt again." I promise you that if you try this method, it will definitely help you wash those guilty feelings right on down the drain. However, there is one little side effect you may want to consider if you use this method. If you try this on someone, then someone else will do the same thing to you. "Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For by the standard you judge you will be judged, and the measure you use will be the measure you receive." (Matthew 7:1-2 New English Translation) It seems like I also saw something in there that says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Hmmmm....maybe we should take a look at point two.

Point 2 on how to avoid feeling guilty for not helping a person in need: Help that person. Even if you know his past and everything he's done to bring on the suffering he is facing, if you will stop and consider your own transgressions, it will be easier to overlook his. That way, his past actions will not become a part of the equation. One of my good friends once told me a story about how he had to forgive someone for one of the most inexcusable acts you can imagine. I hope to get him to write his story for all of us one day and I'll post it on this blog, but for now, just take my word, if he could forgive in his situation, none of the rest of us have any excuses.

I wouldn't be qualified to write about this if I hadn't tested both ways, but I will admit, I've tried points one and two, and I'm now ready to make my recommendation. I found that the consequences for using Point one were a little bit more than what I'm willing to accept; yet I do have to mention that there is also a side effect for using Point two. The feeling of satisfaction you will experience for knowing that you have made a positive difference in someone's life will give you a high that no drug could ever match, and it has the potential to start your life down a whole new path where you've never been before. I think the choice is obvious.

That's my Christmas sermon.

Merry Christmas!

Preston

Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCXLIX

Whenever I say what I have to tell you today, regardless of what it is, I'll be exercising one of the liberties that our nation provides and that everyone on earth deserves...the freedom of speech. It is my right to express my opinion, and I do it often. I'm sure you do the same. If I don't like the way you fix your hair, although it may be unwise for me say it, I have a legal right to let the whole world know how I feel. There's just something about letting other people know how we feel about whatever is on our minds that gives us a feeling of satisfaction...like we've released a pressure valve that allows us to blow off some steam.

Now I'm not an argumentive type of person, so if you express your opinion to me, and I disagree with you, chances are I'll exercise the right that I have to remain silent. (That's a right we don't take advantage of often enough.) So if it's an argument you're looking for, you should probably express your opinion to someone else. That leads me to this question: What is our real purpose for letting our views be known? Are we looking for someone to agree with us so it will give us a confirmation that our opinions are not ours alone? Are we trying to convince others that our way is correct and if they have a different opinion, they need to change it so that it will be more in line with our view? Here's the truth of the matter: I really want to express my opinion more than I want to hear yours. I'm not saying that I have no interest in what you have to say; in fact, the exact opposite is true. I do want to know how you feel, and obviously, you also want to know how I feel, or you wouldn't be reading this article. However, what I really want to know, far more than anything else, is the truth. I've often heard it said that there are three ways to do everything--your way, my way, and the right way. None of our opinions are worth a hill of beans if they don't line up with the truth.

The two topics where people in general are the most vocal with their views and where they can usually get other people stirred up the quickest are politics and religion. In politics, we normally have opposite opinions between the liberals and conservatives, or the Democrats and Republicans. I know that neither side is right 100% of the time, and I also know that people on both sides are very passionate about their views, but somewhere in there is a way that's best, and that's what I'm looking for. One thing I've learned, however, is that I'll never know which way is right unless I approach the subject with an open mind. I'm afraid that all too often, we form our views, and then go searching for facts to back them up. That's even true on the topic of religion. I'm convinced that sometimes we form our beliefs and then go to the Bible to find scriptures to help us prove our point, and, believe it or not, it's not that hard to do if we take isolated scriptures out of context and interpret them to match up with our pre-conceived notions. What we should do is go to the Bible first and study it with a completely open mind, reading each verse within its context and accepting the intent of the writer when he penned those words. I was still a fairly young man when my dad passed away, and one day, not long after that, I was thinking about him as I was alone in my vehicle, and it dawned on me that I believed the way I did because he and my mom had brought me up that way. I said to myself out loud, "That's not good enough." I do believe that my parents raised me right, but it was something I had to find out for myself. I had to base my beliefs on truth and not on my heritage. My entire attitude changed at that moment.

Have you ever stopped to think about truth? Truth is pure. There are no imperfections found in truth. Truth doesn't have degrees. A statement is either true, or it's false. It's incorrect to say that something is 98% true, because a statement that is 98% true is 100% false. So, feel free to express your opinions to me, and I'll listen to them, if you'll listen to mine. Please understand, however, that my ultimate quest is not for anyone's opinion, just truth. Because, you see, one thing that I've learned in this search for what is real and pure is that my freedom comes from knowing the truth. Therefore, the absence of truth equals the absence of freedom. Nothing else matters.

Preston

Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCXLVIII

I remember being called a monkey. It's a faint memory, but I can recall my dad calling me a little monkey due to some hi-jinx I had played on them many years ago when I was a small child. So.....I guess that proves evolution is real, huh? Yes, I am serious. If I was a monkey then and I'm not now, that means that some kind of change has taken place over the past few decades. Now I know that you are probably wondering if I have ever considered the possibility that maybe my dad might have been joking when he called me a monkey. No, I've never wondered about that at all, because I know without a doubt that he was joking. He joked like that a lot, but it doesn't disprove my theory of evolution.

What is evolution anyway? I'll give you my definition. Evolution: Slow, gradual changes or adaptations that take place over long periods of time. The root word is "evolve." I use that term quite a bit when people ask me about my livelihood and how I got started doing what I do. You see, I'm an independent sales agent, specializing in licensed products with collegiate logos. I began this business in 1986, but when I first started, I had no collegiate products whatsoever, and now, that's almost all I do. The change didn't take place overnight, but over the course of a couple of decades, my business slowly "evolved" into what it is today.

So now let me get back to being called a monkey by my dad. He called me a monkey because I had been acting like one. That was at least a half-century ago, and I don't recall ever being called a monkey since that time. Now I don't deny that I was acting like a monkey back then, and although, technically, I'm still the same person I was then, in a lot of ways, I'm a totally different individual. My basic personality, which I inherited from my dad, has pretty much stayed the same as it's always been, although certain aspects of it have "evolved" down through the years. My self confidence, for example, which, on a scale of one to ten, would barely have registered back then; and now it has climbed to a level of somewhere close to a five. The things that made me laugh in those days may barely get a chuckle out of me today. Another bit of evolution that has taken place has to do with my level of vulneralability. When I was a child, I would take anything that practically any adult said as the absolute gospel. As gullible as I was then, that's how skeptical I am now. When someone tells me something, they need to be able to back up what they say. (I'll be talking in depth about that subject next week.) Here's another change that has taken place: Up until just a few years ago, when it was mealtime at one our big family get-togethers, I felt like I needed to gorge myself until I was absolutely miserable; now I've learned that one plate of food is all I need, and I can have just as good a time and feel better about myself in the process. I've also seen an evolution in the way I feel about celebrities such as singers & musicians, actors, or athletes. It used to thrill me to see or meet anyone famous, but I now view them as regular people, and I'm definitely not influenced by their political opinions, regardless of how good an actor they are. I'm much more even tempered today than I was a few years ago, yet I am less likely now to tolerate sub-standard service from any type of business. Yes, I'm a changed man.

If I were to list all the ways I've evolved down through the years, it would take way too much space and time, and you wouldn't want to read it all anyway, but I think you get the message. In fact, you can probably identify with much of what I'm saying. So, does evolution mean the same thing as maturity? In this case, it probably does.

Preston

Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCXLVII

I was laughing so hard that my side was hurting, I had tears in my eyes, and I was having some mildly violent coughing spells...all brought about by my laughter. I was on one of my many business trips to Las Vegas, and someone had given me some tickets to a Jay Leno performance while I was there, and it was during his show that I was getting so tickled. But it wasn't just me. It was a sell-out crowd, and everyone in the building was reacting the same way I was. For an hour and forty-five minutes, he stood up there and told joke after joke, and the response he was getting was overwhelming. After it was over and I was back in my hotel room, I started thinking about the evening, and I began wondering what it would have been like if I had been the only one to show up at his performance. What if it was just me sitting there on the front row of the auditorium, and he put on the exact same show? Would I have laughed as much and as hard as I did when the place was packed? I don't think so. What if I was alone in my hotel room and I watched him put on the same show on television? I would have enjoyed it, and I may have even chuckled a few times, but there's something about being a part of the crowd that makes us open up our emotions a little more.

Here's something else I've noticed: I've been sitting in church when the preacher says something funny and everyone in the building will laugh at what he says, but we don't just laugh...we look around at each other while we're laughing. Have you ever noticed that? Why do we do that? I'm sure there have been numerous studies on that subject, so maybe I should look into it and find out. I'm not sure why we do it, I just know that we do. Do we become more emotional when we're with other people?

Let me give you another example from the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I was in a hotel room in Texarkana, Arkansas when my cell phone rang shortly after four in the morning. It was my brother, Stan, and he was calling to tell me that our brother, Roland, had just passed away. I was devastated. I got up and showered, ate a quick bite of breakfast, and headed home. Sometime in mid-afternoon, I sat down at my computer and began writing a "Thinking Out Loud" blog about him. Up to that point, I had spent the entire day alone, and although my heart was crushed, I had not yet shed a single tear. I was sitting at the computer, staring at the screen, almost done with my writing, when Angie arrived home from work. When she walked into my office where I was, I broke down and began to sob. There was just something about having her there with me that made me open up and release the emotions that were bottled up inside me. Have you ever attended a wake, and when you approach a member of the family of the deceased, they will begin to cry when you greet them? You shouldn't feel bad about that, because that person has just demonstrated that you're someone that can help them express their grief in their time of emotional distress.

One other observation: I've also noticed when someone snaps and starts shooting people for no apparent reason, let's say at a school, one thing that we usually hear about that person is that he was a loner. I'm not a psychologist, but I have to wonder if people who don't have other people in their lives with whom they can release their emotions may be more likely to lose it and start doing crazy things that most people would never dream of doing. It sounds logical and entirely possible.

I am so blessed. I have so many friends and family members to share life with...to laugh with, to cry with...people who, when I'm around them, I can let go and just be myself. Not only can I be myself in their presence, but they're also the people who help to make me what I am and what I desire to become. So, just who are these people? Well, one of them is you! Because you're who you are, I can be who I am. Yes, I thank God for you!!

Preston

Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCXLVI

I was reading an extremely interesting book, and since we were visiting relatives in central Oklahoma, I decided to go find a place outdoors where I could find some much needed relaxation and do some reading. I found it on a park bench high on a hill overlooking beautiful Lake Eufaula. I would read a while, and then I would put my book down and just gaze out over the horizon at the beautiful countryside that surrounded me. It makes me want to read that book again, if for no other reason, just to bring back the pleasant memories of the two hours I spent up there with my book and my gorgeous surroundings. If you've never been to Lake Eufaula, you should plan a trip up there soon. If you like to fish, there's great fishing...if you like water sports, there's no better place...or if you just like sit back and relax like I did, this is the place for you. I can't wait 'til my next trip up there.

Now, let me tell you about another body of water, but I'm not recommending a trip to this one. I've never actually seen it, but I've read about it, and to be honest with you, there are so many beautiful places in the world that I've never seen, that I would not want to waste my time going to this place, which, according to what I've read, is anything but beautiful. It's found in Israel and Jordan, and it's called The Dead Sea. It is the saltiest body of water on earth, several times more salty than the oceans. It contains no fish, and you'll never see birds flying over. I even read where it emits a very unpleasant odor. It's just not the kind of place I want to visit. Even its name is depressing.

So, if we compare The Dead Sea to Lake Eufaula, why is it that one of them is such a pleasant place while the other is so detestable? I had never even thought to compare the two until I heard a statement from my friend, Jimmy Douglas, but now that I think about it, what he had to say makes a lot of sense. Lake Eufaula is fed by the Canadian River and then, below the dam, the river is fed by the lake. The lake takes the water that it needs and sends the rest on down stream to benefit other communities along its path. Yes, the lake receives, but it also gives back. As for The Dead Sea, there are several streams that flow into it, primarily the Jordan River, but nothing flows out. The statement that my friend made was: "The Dead Sea is such an unpleasant place because it doesn't give...it only receives." Wow! That's it. That's the difference between the two bodies of water. One is a receiver and a giver, while the other is only a receiver, and no one wants to be around the one that is a receiver only.

One thing I've learned is that the same principle that governs those bodies of water also holds true with people. Angie and I were talking just a couple days ago about some friends that we just love to be around, and the one thing that stood out about them is how they are so gracious to those around them. This is the time of year that we celebrate Thanksgiving, and I'm so thankful for my family and friends who fit the description of the ones that I just told you about, but while I'm giving thanks, I also want to add a prayer that I can become that same kind of friend. Lord, don't let me be the kind of person who accepts everything that others have to offer and then moves on to pursue my own interests. Lord, don't allow me to become so full from receiving that I become detestable to those around me. Lord, help me make my decisions based on what's best for society as a whole, and not just my own selfish desires.

As we move out of the Thanksgiving season, we move directly into the season of giving and receiving. This is where my determination to be a giver is tested. How will I do? Will I be like The Dead Sea or Lake Eufaula? We shall see.

Preston

Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCXLV

Have you ever heard of the Broken Windows Theory? I first learned about it when I read a book called "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell. Let me give you a little bit of background information that will help me describe what I'm talking about. In the early 1980's, a crime epidemic hit New York City that was the worst in the city's history, and there didn't seem to be an end in sight. One area where it had really gotten out of hand was in the public transportation system, especially the subways; and it was an incident on the subway that brought it national attention. In 1984, a young man named Bernie Goetz stepped onto a subway car, where he was approached by four thugs who demanded money and threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't meet their demands. Goetz put his hand in his pocket, but instead of producing money, he pulled out a revolver and shot all four of them, although I think they all survived. That incident created a national sensation, and it was the final straw that finally convinced city leaders that something had to be done. The gentlemen who were hired to make the subways a safe place again decided to apply the Broken Windows Theory.

An extremely condensed description of that theory is that if there are homes in a neighborhood who have broken windows, and they are left unrepaired, it is then also easier to overlook other problems that need attention, and then criminals will begin to feel that crimes committed there won't receive as much attention from the public or from law enforcement officials. That was the basic condition of the subway system. The cars were in severe need of repair, and the walls, both inside and out, were covered with graffiti. Many of the turnstiles had been purposely gummed up by the bad guys, and it was estimated that there were at least 175,000 passengers per day who were riding without paying the $1.25 fare. Those areas were what they decided to tackle first. They repaired the broken turnstiles and posted security guards at each station to make sure that all passengers paid their fares. They then replaced many of the cars, and repainted and repaired the rest. If someone painted graffiti on one of the cars, it was taken out of service until it could be repainted. What they found out, almost immediately, was that just those small steps that they had taken brought about a drastic reduction in the crime rate, and the additional revenue that came in from all those who had previously been skipping out on their fares paid for the improvements that were made.

That makes me wonder if I could apply the Broken Windows Theory to my own life. What if I dressed just a little bit better for work every day? Would that make me have a little more positive attitude about myself, which would in turn make me a more positive individual overall, resulting in more successes in my business? What if husbands and wives would make a point to hand out just a couple more compliments each day to their spouses? Or what if parents would vow to speak to their kids with a little more positive attitude each day? Or maybe we could make sure we smile and say "good morning" to our co-workers when we first get to work. What if I would resolve to perform just one random act of kindness for a stranger every day? Here's an idea: We could each determine that we're going to think about what we say before we speak, and, at least once a day, instead of speaking our negative thoughts to those around us, we would keep our mouths shut? Just once a day. Would that make a difference?

I may not be able to change the world all by myself, but if I follow those principles that I just mentioned, I can sure make my own little world a much better place to live. I think I may be surprised by how many people will be affected just by the changes I make in myself. It's definitely easier for me to make improvements on myself than it is for me to improve others...but then, when I make myself a better person, it's bound to rub off on someone else...creating a chain reaction. Hey! Maybe we can change the world after all!

Preston

Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCXLIV

If I ever decide that I want to apply for a new job, maybe I should include the word "actor" on my resume'. Then, when the interviewer asks me about it, I will explain it like this: "Sometimes when I'm playing basketball and I make a three point shot, I act like it was no big deal--like it's something I do all the time. And when I win second place in my age group in a race I've run, I am the coolest dude around when I walk up there to receive my trophy." I'm actually quite good at it (acting, that is), even if I have to say so myself.

In a blog that I wrote about a year ago, I talked about the difference between over-reactors and under-reactors, and I placed myself firmly in the center of the under-reactor category. I'm just not one to express a lot of emotion, whether I'm happy, sad, angry or hurt. That doesn't mean that I don't feel any of those emotions, it's just that I hold them inside without letting those around me know exactly what I'm feeling. So, since I'm not one to wear my feelings on my sleeve, I guess I should come right out and tell you about some emotions that I've been trying so hard to hold inside for the last seven months or so. The only reason I'm talking about it now is because I truly feel that I'm starting to make some progress on getting it resolved, and I can point to a short, three hour picnic in the park that had a lot to do with getting me back on track.

Although I don't think I could put a name on the emotions that I felt, I can still remember clearly the feeling that came over me when I learned that my new little baby granddaughter had been born with Down Syndrome. Of course, those who were with me at the time probably said that I took it well...like it didn't even bother me that much. If they only knew! The one thought that has been replayed over and over in my mind is, "It's just not fair! This is her one and only chance at life, and this had to happen. It's not fair! It's just not fair!" Those are my moments of anger, but then the feelings of guilt start to move in as I begin to low-rate myself for having thoughts like that. I must say, though, that there are two different people who are clients of mine who have gone through similar circumstances, and they have really helped me learn to cope as they tell me of their experiences. (I must remember to thank them for encouraging me the way they have.) Through all of my varying emotions that I've been describing, however, there is one that has remained steadfast and unshakable; there are no words that can describe how much I love "my little lady." If you've never had the chance to meet her, I sure hope you get the opportunity really soon. I am one proud "Poppa."

Let me get back to that picnic, because that's what I wanted to tell you about to start with. It was called the "Buddy Walk" and it took place at Kiroli Park in West Monroe. The "Buddy Walk" is an annual event that is designed to raise awareness of Down Syndrome. I'm not sure how many people were there, but it was in the hundreds, and yes, we did walk...one mile. But the walk is a minor part of what takes place. There's a band playing, we have a big picnic, and we basically just mingle and get to know each other. All of the people who came to support our Lennon wore red and black, and we were thrilled beyond measure to see just how many of our friends and family showed up to be a part of "Team Lennon." Everything I've just been describing played a big part in helping me get my attitude pointed back in the right direction, but the biggest factor of all...the one that really "changed" me, was the big group of Down Syndrome kids who were there. One of them said the opening prayer, and another led us all in The Pledge. Then, after we had walked and everyone had eaten their fill, several of them wanted to dance...and dance they did, until the band stopped playing. Yes, there were emotions on exhibit there, but they didn't even resemble the ones that I had been trying so hard to conceal. The one emotion that I saw more than any other was "happiness." That's what turned me around.

I can't sit here and tell you that I'm now totally "out of the woods," but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm heading in that direction as fast as I can go. Though Lennon is still too young to fully understand, I love her more than life itself, and she's gonna be the luckiest girl alive...just because I'm her Poppa...I'm gonna see to it.

Preston