If I ever decide that I want to apply for a new job, maybe I should include the word "actor" on my resume'. Then, when the interviewer asks me about it, I will explain it like this: "Sometimes when I'm playing basketball and I make a three point shot, I act like it was no big deal--like it's something I do all the time. And when I win second place in my age group in a race I've run, I am the coolest dude around when I walk up there to receive my trophy." I'm actually quite good at it (acting, that is), even if I have to say so myself.
In a blog that I wrote about a year ago, I talked about the difference between over-reactors and under-reactors, and I placed myself firmly in the center of the under-reactor category. I'm just not one to express a lot of emotion, whether I'm happy, sad, angry or hurt. That doesn't mean that I don't feel any of those emotions, it's just that I hold them inside without letting those around me know exactly what I'm feeling. So, since I'm not one to wear my feelings on my sleeve, I guess I should come right out and tell you about some emotions that I've been trying so hard to hold inside for the last seven months or so. The only reason I'm talking about it now is because I truly feel that I'm starting to make some progress on getting it resolved, and I can point to a short, three hour picnic in the park that had a lot to do with getting me back on track.
Although I don't think I could put a name on the emotions that I felt, I can still remember clearly the feeling that came over me when I learned that my new little baby granddaughter had been born with Down Syndrome. Of course, those who were with me at the time probably said that I took it well...like it didn't even bother me that much. If they only knew! The one thought that has been replayed over and over in my mind is, "It's just not fair! This is her one and only chance at life, and this had to happen. It's not fair! It's just not fair!" Those are my moments of anger, but then the feelings of guilt start to move in as I begin to low-rate myself for having thoughts like that. I must say, though, that there are two different people who are clients of mine who have gone through similar circumstances, and they have really helped me learn to cope as they tell me of their experiences. (I must remember to thank them for encouraging me the way they have.) Through all of my varying emotions that I've been describing, however, there is one that has remained steadfast and unshakable; there are no words that can describe how much I love "my little lady." If you've never had the chance to meet her, I sure hope you get the opportunity really soon. I am one proud "Poppa."
Let me get back to that picnic, because that's what I wanted to tell you about to start with. It was called the "Buddy Walk" and it took place at Kiroli Park in West Monroe. The "Buddy Walk" is an annual event that is designed to raise awareness of Down Syndrome. I'm not sure how many people were there, but it was in the hundreds, and yes, we did walk...one mile. But the walk is a minor part of what takes place. There's a band playing, we have a big picnic, and we basically just mingle and get to know each other. All of the people who came to support our Lennon wore red and black, and we were thrilled beyond measure to see just how many of our friends and family showed up to be a part of "Team Lennon." Everything I've just been describing played a big part in helping me get my attitude pointed back in the right direction, but the biggest factor of all...the one that really "changed" me, was the big group of Down Syndrome kids who were there. One of them said the opening prayer, and another led us all in The Pledge. Then, after we had walked and everyone had eaten their fill, several of them wanted to dance...and dance they did, until the band stopped playing. Yes, there were emotions on exhibit there, but they didn't even resemble the ones that I had been trying so hard to conceal. The one emotion that I saw more than any other was "happiness." That's what turned me around.
I can't sit here and tell you that I'm now totally "out of the woods," but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm heading in that direction as fast as I can go. Though Lennon is still too young to fully understand, I love her more than life itself, and she's gonna be the luckiest girl alive...just because I'm her Poppa...I'm gonna see to it.
Preston
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