Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCCXX

Do you remember what your parents gave you and your spouse as a wedding present? I kinda do and I kinda don't. I'm sure they gave us a tangible gift, one that we could touch, feel and smell, but I can't recall what it was. I have vivid recollections, however, of an intangible gift they gave us...it's the one that meant the most and lasted the longest....something for us to pass on down to our own kids. It's one of the toughest gifts to give, and it requires one of the biggest sacrifices on the part of the parents. In fact, parents really can't give this gift unless they possess another intangible quality: Confidence. You see, parents must have confidence in the job they did in raising their kids, or they won't be able to bestow this treasured gift onto their married children. The gift? Freedom. I've often wondered if a mother bird feels anxiety when her offspring are learning how to fly. If her thought process is anything at all similar to mine, I'm sure she does. I wonder if she would sometimes rather that she could just do all their flying for them, instead of having to watch as they flutter around and often end up on the ground. I know our parents saw us make numerous mistakes that their life experiences had taught them not to make, yet it would have been harmful to us if they had tried to interfere. That's how we gained our own life experiences. There comes a time in all of our lives where there's no choice but to stand on our own two feet, and if we've never had to do it before, how successful can we expect to be when there's no one there to help us when that time comes. I served in a management position for several years, and I've actually had job applicants come in for an interview, and one of the parents would accompany them. I have no idea what kind of employees they would've made, because there's no way I would hire someone who brought her mother with her to an interview. I've also fired employees who would come back a couple hours later with their daddies. That didn't work either. Giving the gift of freedom to married children also helps to preserve the parent/child relationship down through the years, because most young adults resent parents who cannot give up that control. Even if they don't, I can assure you that their spouses do. That doesn't mean, however, that the parents should not be there in a supporting role. When my kids got married, my love for them didn't decrease by even a fraction of a smidgen....I love them now as much as I ever did. I would give my life for either one of them. All they have to do is call, and I come running. It's just that my role has changed now that they're on their own. I've moved from boss to advisor, and the advice I give is usually solicited. I'm so thankful that my parents were there for me when I needed them, but I'm also thankful that they realized when their job of raising me had come to an end. I'm glad I had their examples of knowing when to let go, because Angie and I have reached the stage in our own lives where we had to test our confidence in the job of raising our kids. I think we did pretty good! Preston

Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCCXIX

Nathan Tibbs was a hero in the Revolutionary War, and it came to light that he had a direct descendant living right there in Mayberry, so the Ladies Historical Society decided to figure out who it was so they could honor him. Well, Barney Fife just naturally assumed that he would be the honoree, so he began preparing his acceptance speech where he boasted about how he was accepting this prestigious recognition not only with great humility, but also with unprecedented "humbleness." You can imagine his shock and outrage when it was discovered that the real true descendant of Mr. Tibbs was Otis Campbell, the town drunk. The irony of this story is if a person brags about his humility, he has none.

We laugh at Barney's presumptions and his thirst for recognition, but if we're honest, haven't we all had daydreams about seeing our names up in lights as we listen to the thunderous cheers of thousands of our adoring fans? Not all of us can receive that type of honor, because if everyone received it, then it wouldn't mean much. So how does one go about becoming the recipient of such adoration and praise from our fellow human beings? Here's what I think. It's really a little bit tricky. First of all, receiving accolades from others cannot be our goal. In other words, you don't receive honor by seeking honor. In order to be awarded with the admiration of your peers, there's one short, simple statement that will not only become your motto, but also your way of life, "It's not about me." You must repeat that line over and over until it becomes the definition of who you are. "It's not about me." "It's not about me."

What if we could truly grasp what the statement, "It's not about me," actually means? How differently would we act if could we grab a hold onto the mentality of preferring our brother, even on the small, insignificant deeds of our daily lives? Would it affect the way we drive our cars? What about where we sit in church? Would we want to make sure we grab our aisle seat instead of just politely moving to the middle of the row so it will be easier for those who come in after us? In general, I believe our motivation would be, "What can I do that will benefit those around me, no matter how trivial?"

Here's the kicker: Do we sometimes try to exhibit an "It's not about me" facade with the ulterior motive of "How will this benefit me?" If I have a hidden agenda behind my "Do unto others" actions, then the "It's not about me" attitude is replaced with an attitude of "This is all about me." The only way for me to actually receive true honor is to never seek it.

Preston

Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCCXVIII

You've said it...and sincerely meant it. So have I. "This is strictly a business decision, so please don't take it personal." When we say that, even with the best of intentions, if it affects someone else's life, it's personal, whether it's meant to be or not. Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean. I recently read a book called "Onward" by Howard Schultz, the founder and CEO of Starbucks Coffee. In this book, he tells about the difficult times his company had to face back in 2008 & 2009, when, in an effort to get the company back on its feet, he had to make the decision to close hundreds of stores. He wasn't angry with anyone and felt no animosity toward any individual; it was just a business decision that had to be made, yet the thing that kept him awake night after night was the fact that his move would have an adverse effect on thousands of lives...personally. If the President of the United States has to make the decision to send our troops into war, he has to live with the fact that many of them will lose their lives. You can't get any more personal than that.

Have you ever stopped to consider the fact that practically every decision you make affects someone else? When I was a young man with small children at home, the president of the company I was working for chose to transfer me to a different city, in the interest of the company. My kids are grown and married today, and when I think about it, I realize that a decision made so many years ago by a man my kids will probably never meet, affected even who they married. That's a good thing, but it's personal. If I choose to make a change in the car dealership I do business with, it will have an adverse effect on one salesperson and a positive effect on another...personally.

None of that means that we should avoid making those decisions, but the realization of the fact that no matter how well thought-out my decision making process has been, other lives will be affected, and that can make the process a little more difficult. I recently had to make a decision that I knew would affect multiple lives for years to come, in both positive and negative ways, and I must admit, it cost me some sleep. As far as I can remember I've never intentionally tried to cause harm to any other individual, yet to some degree, my actions do it every day. I don't mean for it to be personal...it just turns out that way.

Preston

Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCCXVII

My thoughts on tattoos: It's not a problem with me if you have one, or some, or a bunch of them. I don't care. I don't have one, don't want one, and can't imagine a time when I'll ever have one. It's just not me. I have some friends who are covered with them, and to be honest, I rarely even notice them any more. I know they're all the rage now, especially with the younger generation. Tattoos are not new. Down through the ages they have come and gone as a fad; they'll be popular for a while and then they will cool off. They were in style back in the forties and fifties, during World War II and the Korean conflict. I've read about how some of the Nazis liked to use the skin of Jews to make lamp shades, and if the Jew had a tattoo, his skin would be much more valuable.

With all of that said, I have a question for you. When you look back at old photographs of your parents, do you laugh at the way they were dressed and the styles of their hair? Here's some food for thought: As ridiculous as they look, they were actually pretty cool back when those pictures were taken. That's because fads come...and then they go. And whether or not you want to believe it, the tattoo fad is no exception. They're here today, but they'll be gone tomorrow. In every generation there is a degree of rebellion, and if you think your kids will want to cling to everything that you now think is cool, I'm afraid you're sadly mistaken. Some day, and I believe that day is rapidly approaching, tattoos will no longer be cool; and I believe when that day comes, they will be totally uncool.

Let me reiterate that if you want to get a tattoo, that's your business, and I will still love you just as much and not criticize you. You may have already thought through everything I've just said. I just wanted to remind you of the fact that, unlike the fashions of the day, tattoos have a degree of permanence, and they'll stick with you through thick and thin, whether you want them to or not.

Preston