Thinking Out Loud, Volume CDXXIV-Rewrite

Today is a day for brutal honesty. I live a double life. By that I mean the part of me the public sees is not the real me. I guess you could say I'm an actor. I walk with my head up, looking straight ahead; the picture of confidence, courage, security, holiness....like a man who is comfortable in his own skin. That's my act, but it's not really who I am. The real me is almost the exact opposite of the character I portray. The trouble is, like practically all other actors, I can't stay in character every minute of every day, and when I do slip out of character and the real me is exposed, it gets ugly. Those who are just occasionally in my presence only see the man I pretend to be, but those few who are around me more often, do at times, see me as I am, and for that, I apologize. Let's take a look at a couple of the characteristics I portray and see how they compare with the real Preston. First we'll discuss "the picture of confidence." I only wish the real me was like that. Here's what I'm really like in that respect: No matter who I'm with, I never feel like I quite measure up to the person they expect of me. In reality, maybe I do, but I never feel like I do. Sometimes I actually wonder how other people can like me or want to be around me. I'm constantly amazed at how I ended up with the wife who was made for me, because I was never confident enough to even ask a girl for a date. Seriously! I was too afraid of rejection. Fortunately, the only girl I could work up the courage to ask out became my wife. Those features don't describe a confident person. The other comparison I want to make is "the picture of holiness." I am a flawed individual! I do my best to live the life that I know God wants me to live, but I fall so short. I sometimes compare my "holiness act" with what's known as the "Little Man Syndrome,".....you know, when a man of small stature overplays his toughness act in an attempt to cover his insecurity of being so small. When it comes to holiness, I'm a dwarf, and as a result, I may have a tendency to overplay my holiness act. In fact, it has just recently occurred to me that I may overact so much that I might even be viewed by some as self righteous or having a "holier than thou" attitude. If they only knew the truth!! I'm so thankful for grace!!! I'm not sure why, but for some reason it seems like I've been slipping out of character and exposing the real me a little too often here lately, and when I do, it actually shrinks my confidence level and makes me become a man who's even less "comfortable in his own skin." The man I portray is the man I'm striving to become, but I have so very far to go to get there. I do find it somewhat encouraging, however, when I realize I'm not the only person facing the same issues. For those of you who do occasionally see me slip out of character, I ask you to please be patient and don't give up on me. But for now, it's time for me to put on my costume again....I have an act to perform. Preston