About a year and a half ago, a beautiful young woman made an appearance into our extended family, and when I say "beautiful," I mean both inside and out. I recently had an opportunity to sit down and have a one on one conversation with her, and what I thought would be about a twenty minute visit turned into more than two hours. From previous visits and what I had heard, I knew a little about her life, but on this particular day, I heard first hand a more detailed account about all the events that had transpired that led her to becoming "one of us." She then told me that she had actually put it all down on paper, if I would like to read it. When I asked her, she graciously allowed me to share it with you, although it would have to be condensed somewhat to fit it in this blog. I just wanted everyone to hear first hand how even when we think we know what we want and what we need, God knows best, and if we'll let Him, He will show us the difference. Please note: This is divided into two chapters. Chapter 1 was written on December 3, 2008, and then Chapter 2 came in March, 2010. So now, let me introduce you to Heather Tibbs:
Preston
Chapter 1 "Living Without the Love of My Life" December 3, 2008
You never expect to be the one to get the call, and you never expect to have to live without the love of your life. Let me just start by saying that I planned on sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch with my husband in our old age. I guess I just thought that we would "go" together.
Well, I got that phone call, and it was the most horrible feeling I've ever experienced. My girls were in bed asleep and I was still up waiting on my husband to get home, when the call came that would change my life forever. I awakened my girls and we jumped into the car, only to come upon a wreck less than two miles from our house on a little country road. All we could see were flashing lights, his wrecked truck, and a sheet in the road covering a body. I wanted to run to him, but no one would let me. I knew he was gone, but they wouldn't actually say it. How could this have happened? He left this world without me. We were supposed to go together.
The sheriff took us back home. I ran to the laundry room to get any dirty clothes that he had worn. I wanted to smell his smell and I didn't want anyone to run into my house and start doing laundry. I knew that sometimes when someone dies, people will go to their houses and start cleaning up, just to help out, but I didn't want anyone to touch any of his things. Not long after we returned home, people started coming over and the Oklahoma Highway Patrol came and confirmed what we already knew.
How can the world go on when your world has been turned upside down? We went to town to make funeral arrangements, and people were going on about their business. Did they not know that I had just lost the most important thing in this world to me? Cars were still going up and down the road. People were shopping. It took me a while to realize that their world didn't stop....just mine.
I was 35 years old and a widow!! It just didn't seem fair. We had met and started dating when I was 16, a junior in high school. We dated three years and were married on June 30, 1989. We had been married almost 16 years when he went to be with the Lord. For months I counted the days that he had been gone, almost down to the minute that he drew his last breath. I hated the 7th of any month, because it marked the end of another month that he had been gone from us.
I've never kept a journal, but some friends gave me one, so I decided to start it up about a month after his death. The first entry was, "I have nothing to say." It didn't take long for me to start writing every day. I write it to him, and address him as "Babe"...that's what we called each other. I believe this is really helping me in my grieving process. I tell him everything that's happened during the day that I wish I could tell him in person. Some is good and some is bad. Some is happy and some is sad. I miss him so much and wish he was here with me to see our girls growing up to be beautiful young women.
It's been 3 years now, and I still miss him. I wish he could come into the kitchen and give me a little squeeze and pick at the food I'm cooking. I miss that "I love you" out of the blue. I miss making him coffee in the morning and packing his lunch. I miss scratching his head like I did when he would lay his head in my lap and sleep. It's those little things that I miss most.
I used to get so mad when people would want to "fix me up." How dare they? I just lost the love of my life and you think I want someone else. I think it's wonderful when people find love again, but that's not for me! I have learned, however, not to get mad when people want to fix me up, and I now just take it as a compliment and go on.
Then there were all the firsts: the first birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines Day, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Easter, and the first anniversary of his death. I thought after I made it through that first year, it would get easier....but it didn't. It's just getting worse.
I finally decided to change the sheets on our bed after about a year. (I had been sleeping on the couch.) I couldn't wash them because they had his smell on them too. When I went to pack them up, they had chocolate on them. We had been eating chocolate bunnies in bed on the Sunday afternoon before he died.
People comment on how well I've handled things, but I wasn't given a choice. It was all God's grace...I can't take any credit myself.
So just who is this, the love of my life? His name is Joe Richard Tibbs. He was born in Tulsa, Oklahoma on August 16, 1969. He was a hard worker, driving big trucks and heavy equipment. He helped me bring two beautiful girls into the world: Samantha Jo and Sara LaDawn. They are just nine months apart. Yes, he was the love of my life, but he was so much more than that. He was my husband, my best friend, my girls' daddy, and my love all at the same time. He was my other half. Now, instead of us being whole, I feel like I'm a half again. I prayed immediately that God would take any feelings of wanting another man from me. I've never wanted anyone to try to take his place. No one can, because I feel like I'm still married.
I try to look at the positive. I've learned to do so many things for myself, like changing the blades on the lawn mower, and I've learned to "weed-eat." With God's help, I can do all things and do them well. The best part is, I have grown close to God during all of this. I wish Joe could see me now, because I feel like I'm a much better person than I used to be. I know someday in Heaven, I'll see him again.
Chapter 2 "Moving On!!!!" March 2010
Oh my! I didn't think this day would ever come. I didn't even want it to. In fact, I prayed that it would never happen, but God knows far more than I do, and I'm thankful for that. As I've told you before, people would ask when am I going to move on. I felt as though I HAD moved on. Well, now I'm finally moving on according to the world.
I had to go through four and a half years of heartache to get to this point. I had decided that I was okay with being alone for the rest of my life. This last June, one of Joe's friends whom I hadn't seen since the funeral, called and said he was getting a divorce. I thought he had called me needing a friend, but when he asked me out to dinner, my girls said, "Momma, he's taking you on a date!" That night was so difficult. I decided if I was going to go on a date, I would need to take my wedding ring off. It had never been off in the entire four and a half years. I cried all the way to meet him. All I could do was look at him and wish he was Joe. It broke my heart. We had dinner a couple of times, but I knew in my heart that nothing would ever come of this relationship. We finally just quit texting, and I began to wonder, "Can I ever find love again?"
Can you imagine trying to get used to someone different after loving only one man for the last 20 years? Trying to date at almost 40! What was I thinking? So I came to the conclusion that I was just fine on my own.
Then it happened!! September 17, 2009 God allowed the most wonderful man ever to walk into my life. He is everything I could have ever wanted. I didn't know there was a man out in the world like him.
If you will be patient and wait upon the Lord, you will get His best. I was waiting on the Lord and didn't even realize it. He has sent me His best. I didn't go looking for him, but God brought him to me.
After reading Chapter one, you probably think that Chapter two is a contradiction. All it does is show how God can change your heart in ways you never felt possible. I don't keep my journal any more, but I do feel like it was an important tool in my healing process. I'm coming up on the fifth anniversary of Joe being gone. I am happier now than I've ever been in my life. How blessed I am that God has allowed me to find love again!!!!!!!
Heather
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment