Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCCLXXXV

Something was eating at me to the point that it was affecting my own personal happiness and even my health, and what made it difficult was I had done nothing wrong to bring it on. I couldn't sleep at night. I felt betrayed, mainly because I HAD been betrayed. You may disagree with the way I handled it, but I have to tell you...my method worked. Here's what happened: Several years ago, I was in need of employment, and I had heard about an awesome opportunity. I mentioned it to a "friend," and told him what I was doing to try to secure this great job. Well, apparently after I told him about it, he started thinking about it and decided he wanted that job for himself, so he called my prospective new employer and told him that if he hired me, he would end up being disappointed in my performance, so he should hire him instead. Thankfully, I ended up getting the job anyway, and right after he hired me, my new boss told me about the phone call he had received from my "good buddy." Although the actions of my so called friend had no adverse effect on my securing the employment I had been seeking, the personal hurt and devastation I felt was immeasurable. The excitement and feelings of accomplishment I should have been feeling were overshadowed by the emotional pain I was experiencing as a result of my betrayal. I'm usually pretty good at hiding my real true feelings, so not many people ever even knew what had happened, but I must admit, it consumed my every waking moment, which was most of the time, since my nights consisted of tossing and turning all night long. I knew it wouldn't be long until I would be coming face to face with my betrayer, and I worried myself sick about the confrontation that would follow. Something had to be done...quickly. I can't really tell you if my answer came to me in a dream, or if it was just a subconscious thought as I was lying in bed one night, but two simple words that almost seemed laughable popped in my head:  Forgive him. Huh?!  How could I forgive someone who hadn't even asked for forgiveness?  Here's why:  I wouldn't be doing it for his benefit....it was for me and my health. A  confrontation would've ended badly, with hard feelings lasting a lifetime, so instead, I forgave him, even without his repentance. Now, I'm not God, so I didn't have the ability to forget, but I found out that the forgiving part was fairly easy. I never confided in him ever again, but we got along fine in the days and years that followed. As far as I know, he went to his grave without ever becoming aware of the fact that I had known what he had done since just a couple weeks after he had done it. Maybe I should've confronted him with the situation and tried to talk it out with him, but there was at least a fifty per cent chance that it could've gotten ugly, and that would not have benefitted anyone. Instead, I choose to believe that after he reflected on his actions, he regretted betraying a friend, and though he never mentioned it to me, he was truly sorry for his actions.  That was what he needed to do for his own peace of mind, and I did what I did for my benefit. As far as I'm concerned, the issue has been resolved and the case is closed. Preston