Thinking Out Loud, Volume CCLXI

I think I inherited my dad's personality. The "me" that my good friends have come to know is an outgoing, fun-loving guy who loves to make people laugh, and to laugh along with them, although I do have the ability to be serious when the situation demands it. As a result, I've never had a problem making friends. It's interesting to look back at my old high school yearbook and read some of the comments that were made by my classmates who signed my book for me, as they talked about my personality and how I could make them laugh. I loved the ladies and was able to count some of the most beautiful young women in our school as some of my close friends. The bigger the group, the more comfortable I became....but that's where the problem came in. You see, behind that what would appear to be a self confident smile was a phobia that I lived with every single day...the fear of rejection. Much of the self confidence that I exhibited was fake. I didn't date because I was afraid that if I asked a girl out, she would laugh in my face and tell me that she wouldn't go out with me if I were the last boy on earth. That's why I feel that it is such a miracle that somehow I ended up with the one woman on earth who is most perfect for me.

Although the days of having to muster up the courage to ask a girl out are behind me, to some extent I still have to face the issue of self confidence, but today it's more an issue of just not "measuring up." I guess maybe sometimes I'm afraid that people want to include me in their activities because it would be rude not to. Apparently it's just a part of my nature to have those fears, yet I must say that I've come a long way in my effort to overcome them. From time to time, we will hear about certain individuals who are completely rejected by society, and I cannot imagine what that would feel like. As humans, we are social creatures, with the need to be accepted by our fellow humans, to feel that we have a purpose in life, and to know that someone, somewhere needs us and wants us to be a part of their lives. Fortunately for me, I discovered the vaccine that helped to get my problem under control and to put me back on track toward where I really need to be.

The vaccine that I discovered works just like any vaccine that we take for the health of our bodies. For example, when we receive a polio vaccine, we are actually being injected with a small amount of the polio virus so that our bodies will build up a resistance to it. For me to be able to learn to overcome the fear of rejection, I had to experience small doses of real rejection. Massive doses would have done me in, but with what I did get, I was able to realize that to be rejected by some is not the end of the world. I'm glad I learned that, because no matter who we are or what stage of life we're in, there will be some who will not want to accept us as we are. Still today, I face situations where some with whom I occassionally rub shoulders apparently do not want me to be a part of their social circle, but it's okay now. I still sleep just as good. And since I've been on facebook, I've been amazed at who will not confirm me as a friend, or who have even named me as a friend, and then come back and de-friended me later. What I've learned to do is to refuse to focus on those who want to exclude me, but instead, I turn my attention to those who seem to genuinely want me to be a part of their lives. I think the best way to sum it up is to borrow and slightly change a line from a country song: "Some folks don't like guys like me, oh but some folks do."

Preston